1983: Iran and Iraq are at war. Piz the Sock, under the authority of then President Ronald “Muffins” Reagan, thumb wrestles Saddam Hussein… the stakes being extremely high: should Piz lose, he’ll be forced to spend the next few years sharing mustard recipes with the portly tyrant. Should Piz win, Saddam would have been forced to shave his Tom Selleck-styled mouth hair (immediately causing the war to end). Unfortunately for the world, three matches ended in a draw, causing the war to continue on until 1988, the same year of Roy Orbison’s death. Though completely unrelated, Piz felt responsible for Roy’s demise, he was just never quite sure how.

1986: Oliver North was busted selling weapons to Iran, funding the Contras in Nicaragua, befriending Manuel Noriega, misleading the Congress, and lying to the President himself. Though initially found guilty, his conviction was later overturned… he eventually used this impressive resume to land a job at Fox News. Though Oliver and Piz are two completely different individuals, Ollie was inserted here because many people think all puppets look the same, and we’re all about promoting stereotypes.

1994: With the intent of playing a joke on the country, Piz helped Rick Santorum win a seat in the United States Senate. Shocked that nobody caught the jist of his prank sooner, Piz is eagerly awaiting Santorum’s November 2006 defeat as the joke has grown older than the earth itself (4,000 years Santorum-time, or 4.5 billion years for everyone actually living in it).

Currently: As well as working for this site as one of our newest contributors, Piz also spends a great deal of time helping President George W. Bush articulate the United State’s complex war strategies into one, two and three-word sentence fragments. As it stands, Pizs’ great resolve will allow him to stay the course, liberty freedom Islamofacism cut and runner, by the grace of God, mushroom clouds terror terror terror terror terrorism, 9-11-Iraq, Iraqeleven. Shit, my bad.