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| I absolutely love the internet. Its the best thing in the whole world. Its better than anything, I guess, because it's a reflection of everything in the real world. If you really enjoy having sex, you can easily find the type of sex you're into by doing a search on Google, thus no more need of those phone numbers you get from the shit stalls in truck stops... Wooo Hoo! Sometimes we don't need to go out and search for the stuff we crave, though... sometimes those great things come to us. Case in point: I recently received one of those "Nigerian Scam Letters" that are so popular these days. I've actually gotten a few of these before, but didn't respond until now. Although this spammer isn't from Nigeria, his scam is the same... verbatim. Below are the actual emails that I received from my new best pal, as well as my responses. His emails are written in yellow, while mine are written in green. "Cevera Ciudad," the named I use, roughly means Grim City in some foreign tongue. We rock the mad cock. |
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MONAPILA JOSE BANK CENTRALE DE LOME,TOGO AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING /REMMITTANCE DEPT LOME - TOGO. PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL Greetings, I am Dr.JOSE MONAPILIA, the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of bank centrale de Lome ,Togo in West Africa .With due respectand regards I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end. During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to Mr. Halam Hoseburry a deceased person who died on November 1997 in a plane crash. This fund has been dormant in his account with us without any claim either from his family or relation. Although personally, I kept this information secret within myself and my partner to enable the whole plans and idea to be profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount is USD$15m (Fifteen Million United States dollars) I was opportune and pleasured to have come across your contact .Your profile is what interested me most to contact you on this very issue. Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim on this fund as the bona fide next of kin to the deceased and to get approval and transfer of this money to a foreign account has been put in place .All needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity. In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a public servant, I am not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party who will forward claims as the next of kin of the deceased with affidavit of trust of oath to this bank. He will present a foreign account where he will need the money to be transferred into on request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the designated bank . I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer both locally and internationally like telephone bills, e-mail bills and the documents fees.While 60% will be for me and my partners. Please ,you have been advised to keep top secret as we are still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal . I will be monitoring the whole situation here in the bank until you confirm the money is in your account. We can then come over for subsequent shearing of the fund according to the percentages previously indicated. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your wish in this deal. Yours Sincerely, Dr. JOSE MONAPILIA |
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You have
contacted the right man. I am a very influential businessman here in the
states that enjoys taking risks... I do see however that in this
transaction, you will be taking the risks, but the fact that this is
risky is enough for me. (In my youth I smuggled various things from
Columbia to Mississippi, now I am older and own several lucrative
businesses across the country). I only ask for one simple change in the
current plan. Instead of granting me 30% of the overall profit, I ask
for either 33% or a lesser amount of 27% instead. I care not which
amount, but my entire business life (both legal and illegal) has been
based off of the numbers 33 and 27. These numbers are very lucky to me,
and I dare not stray from the power they have over my financial life.I
look forward to further communication from you, I do ask that we
dialogue further however, as I do not do business with complete
strangers. Please, tell me a little about yourself (and your family,
country) and let me know if my conditions for this transaction can be
met. |
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MY Brother,
Before I go on to anwser your reply to my mail I think I should introduce
myself to you in order for you to have a little knowledge of the life of
the person whom you are about to do something with . My name is Jose
monapilia and I am 45 years old .I have worked in the bank for about
fifteen years and in this particular bank for 8years .As the director of
auditing and accounting .I have the full control of checks in various
departments of the bank.It was on one of the checks and balances that I
discoverred this dormant account and decided to contact you with hope that
we can work together on this project . I live at No 24 Rue Decenbre ,Lome
-Togo.Togo is in West Africa. I hope you will know more about me as we go
along on this project which I hope will benefit us greatly . I thank you
so much for your mail ,I am looking forward to working with you on this
project and I am very happy to note that you will be ready to work with me
on this .I hope you are well today over there .God bless you .I have
decided to reply you because I know that the offer I am giving you will be
beneficial to you and I.if you will trust me and cooperate with me ,you
will see the reality of this within 14 working days ,starting from the
time you will put in an application . You are going to get a good return
and I can assure you this because when you put in a claim ,you are not
going to be dealing with me ,you will be dealing with a bank .But we will
need this fund to do this as well as other things and there is no risk
involved .As long as you can keep this a secret and give our project the
most confidentiality you can thinkof .You will provide an account in your
country were this fund will be transferred .This transaction will take
only 7 to 14 working days to complete .All this will depend on our
seriousness to this matter and I know and hope that you will be very
serious with me on this project. As soon as the bank will get your claims
form which I will send to you ,they will transfer this fund into your
account .I will send you an application form which you will fill and send
back to the bank.This form is the claims form which on receipt the bank
will get to you and transfer this fund into your account . You will also
act as the fund manager of this fund and help us organise a business
outfit were we can invest our share of this fund.I am having a feeling we
can go deep into real estate investment.You will help us also to look for
accommodation in your country were we will live when we arrive to that
place. Please get back to me as soon as you can for us to talk more on
this .My direct number is 00228 -913 -7861.Please give me a call or email
me back also give me your tel and fax number for me to get back to you
anytime. My number is direct ,you can call me anytime of the day or night
. I hope to get your response and I want you to be very trutful and honest
with me .I look forward to working with you in truth and harmony. God
bless you ,I am waiting to send you the form which you will send to the
bank .But before that let me know a little about you .I will like to
assure you that this is not a joke .I am ready to send you pictures of
myself and my wife and children to use to know me if you feel like ,but
you have to keep this secret . Give me a call on my direct number
+228-9137861 and let's talk it over or give me your number to call you
.Also the time I can call you . |
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((sent immediately after) |
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Dear brother
Cevera, |
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Ah, hello
again my good friend. I must say you have a wonderful family, they all
have a wonderful gleam in their eyes, as do you! After decades of doing
business transactions, I have learned that the eyes speak a language all
their own. Your eyes speak to me like a friend speaks to a friend. I am
excited to hear that you will be able to meet my conditions for this
transaction, however I must tell you some things before we go from here my
brother. The FBI is currently doing sporadic wire-tapping on my office
equipment (Fax, telephone). I am able to email you freely however, because
my technically savvy assistant (who knows nothing of what we have been
speaking about) has arranged my email accounts to fly through the network
unseen by prying eyes. For now, email is the most secure way I can contact
you... at least for now. Do not have worry, however. I wish to bring you
good news. I have just purchased two planes for this transaction, one of
them is a Cessna Grand Caravan, the other is a larger and much faster Leer
jet. I am willing to fly to Loma personally and arrive four days from now
in my Leer. I will be followed shortly by my Cessna. Once I have passed my
nation's borders, I will contact you using an untraceable phone (one that
uses random satellite signals). I will be landing on a private runway
owned by a trusted assistant of someone that works at the Togo Embassy (I
have made many connections throughout my many years). I will have a
passport and visa awaiting my arrival. Once there, I will drive to the
location of your choice... I do not know what kind of vehicle it is as of
yet, but I will know tomorrow. I would like to bring one assistant with
me, she is a French speaking ex CIA operative that knew the area over
there (she worked in the area in 1993, and does not
know of our dealings, and does not work for the government anymore, she
works for me alone). I will meet with you and we shall secure our
transaction, and for good measure, I will leave the Cessna airplane for
you and your family (along with a very gifted pilot and a small group of
mercenaries) to fly you back to the Unites States if for some reason you
are found out. If this happens, I will make sure you have all legal
documents needed for life here. |
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Dear brother,
How are you doing?I got your mail,however your mail is ok but even if you
are to come we shall first of all apply to the bank to comments the
transfer,I will send you a form which you will fill and fax to the bank
for an approvals. My brother you should understand that this money is in
the account of the deceased and we have to follow the proceedures first to
avod mistakes, with time I will adviced you what to do,I can
understood you are trying to be careful to avoid any trace, all
ready I am aware that our security first is more important as an old
banker,when you are to come I will let you know. pls fill this form and
fax it to the bank so that we can final this transaction as quickly as
possible .We all shall come over for the shareing I hope to meet with you
soonest pls call me I need to talk with you my number is +228-913-7861. I
love you all brother God bless you. I hope to hear from you soonest. |
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The form was
not in your email. (Maybe the mail server removed it accidentally). I am
currently stationed at my private airport. If you'd like, hold on to the
form until I get there. Send me an email saying "OK" and I will be on the
plane (with the other plane following me). I like to be "hands-on" when it
comes to things like this. I am ready to be there. Give me the word and I
will be on the way. |
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Doctor Monapilia responded by sending this "form" <right here>. |
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That is fine.
I am having my secretary type out the form now. I will give her
instructions to fax it to you upon my arrival. I will be there in two |
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Dear brother, |
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This sounds
fantastic my good friend. I will bring a small guerilla army/militia with
me to ensure that nothing happens to you. I look forward to "buying off"
some officials (it reminds me of my younger days)! As far as financing
this diplomatic transport, that is of no concern. I will |
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Dear brother,
How are you? thanks for your mail today.My brother before your arrival you
must have to apply to the bank asking the bank that you need this money
cash via diplomatic means. If you are not ready to apply before you fly in
with your jet you bear in mind that you are coming for nothing because
every proceedio must be ready before your arrival. to avoid mistakes. pls
if you are not ready to apply pls |
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My brother, I
am on the way now. I sense that someone over there may have intercepted
mail coming from your caramail.com account. It looks like the last two
mails you have sent me were relayed to a different server before making it
here... I feel you are in great danger and I must get you and your family
out of there. I will be taking both my Leer jet and my Cessna propellor
aircraft with me. I will also be bringing a group of six ex- Navy Seals
(they are fluent in French). We will be coming there to extract you from
what may very well be an ambush on you and your family. I am coming to
save you. We will be able to transport up to 12 people comfortably (with
luggage and personal belongings). We have enough firepower to destroy
anyone that gets in our way. |
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Dear brother, |
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If I am not
mistaken, the bank is ready for me and my peeps, yo! As far as our landing
space, we already have it... remember? HAHAHAH! (It's OK, my brother). We
will be bringing two planes, a small ex-military unit that speak fluent
French, lots of wine, trout, many guns, many legal documents, fisticuffs,
and some super absorbent tampons in case anyone caught in the cross fire
is bleeding. We will make them pay, my great good brother man! Should I
fly out today or tomorrow? I will send you an email when I arrive... that
email will have a phone number that you will be able to reach me at... it
will be a secure line (no fear of wire taps or Orcs). |
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Dear brother,
How are you ?you are unable to tell me if you are going to apply for the
cash payment or not, I can see you bost alot. Pls do what I ask you to do
first before any other thing. I hope to hear from you. |
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What the fuck
are you talking about, my good brother? My secretary has already done all
that shit for me. Keep in mind, I don't need the money. If you have
reservations about me coming over, let me know. I'm just trying to help
you, your family, and the tiny blue sock that lives deep within my nether
regions. Is it boasting to tell you what I am ready to do? If that is
boasting, than I am a boasting constrictor! |
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Dear brother,
How are doing? please scan a copy of the fax you said your secetary fax to
the bank to me for siteing to avoid mistakes. |
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I'll bring it
to you myself, homey. I have it in my hand. Look, time is being wasted
like ketchup in an overturned bathtub. I am ready to be there... I can be
there in less than a days time. I have armed security (trained in both
battle and felching), I have planes, I have funds, and I have everything
on my end ready to go. I'm no amateur here... I fought guerillas in
Columbia back when I used to smuggle potted hams, I even fought my way out
of the Blue Oyster Bar single handedly (my other hand was tugging at the
toggle). What I'm saying is, we have already wasted lifetimes. I want to
do business, but you hesitate at every turn. If you do not give me the OK
to come there, then I will have to take matters into my own hands. My
computer experts here feel they can shut down the bank's infrastructure,
leaving not only the |
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Dear brother,
How are you doing today? after my mail you today I sent my secetary to the
fax department of the bank to find out if you have send fax. She came back
with a negetive answer pls your secetary don,t Know how to send a fax pls
she/ he need to be sarced out of your office. I see no reason she should
be toy arround with her boss business, pls send it by yourself, so that
you can start coming immidiately based on the day the bank will make the
avaliablity of this fund in cash. You should apply with me and my
colleaques in the |
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You were more
right than you'll ever know. It turns out, my bitch secretary was playing
games with me. I taught her a lesson real quick. |
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Dear brother,
How are you today? I got your mail but it seems you have not
understood me there is what we call banking policy and I personally will
not like to go uncontrally to the bank policy. More so this should be a
peaceful transaction even if you come with your jet,because is only I and
my colleaques who are involved knows that we want to use you to get
the fund across please apply to the bank first tell the bank that you need
a cash payment. I can not deciet you, I have sent my pictures to you as to
assure you of this transaction.and uptill now I don,t even know how look
like, at my age is not wise for me to be dealing with some one I don,t
know any little information about his life upon this I still want to do it
with you knowing fully well we shall travel together for the shareing. My
brother what are you waiting pls write to the bank that is the normal
proceedio We have already arranged on how to move this fund in cash via
diplomatic means and keep it in our bank excrol account in Ghana onward
movement and for security reason too, when you come we all will enter into
the bank and you will see every thing life and direct pls be fast . I hope
to hear from you soonest. |
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(Sent
immediately after) |
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Yes my
brother, you are correct on many levels! What is happening indeed! Did you
get the fax yet? I sent it myself. I am ready to get fricky dicky with the
flip mode squad, the revolution will not be sodomized! I know you're
feeling me, my honey sweet brother! This I know like knowledge known! Dear
brother, how is it you think I am arguing? I have only acted in good
faith, and done everything asked of me. I have offered you many great
things, my hand being one of them. I have worked hard at this, killing my
secretary for you, like you asked. I am beginning to think that you hate
me. I fear that this is not the case, as my account information is in your
tender, groping hands. |
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| A few days went by without anything from my new brother. I figured he was tired of listening to my shit, or maybe he had possibly scored a better target. I decided to send him one more email... this time I was honest with him. | ||||||
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| If you'd like to email him yourself, here's his address: jose.monapilia@caramail.com If my new brother responds to this last one (I sincerely doubt it), I'll post it here. Love, Grim. | ||||||
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